kisah sempit dan longgar

di sini, di pintu samping.
di pojok bagian pojok.
terpojokkan.


tempat ini longgar.
terlalu longgar malah.
aku butuh pintu.
aku butuh pembatas.
ingin membuatnya sebuah sekat.


karena aku sempit.
sempit sendiri.
sendiri.
sen-di-ri.


terlalu longgar.
aku takut.
takut.
ta-kut.


takut terpojokkan lagi olehmu.
takut dipinggirkan lagi olehmu.
maaf, jika pada akhirnya hanya udara kosong yang menemaniku.
maaf.
ma-af.


karena dirimu terlalu longgar untukku.


salam hangat,
dari diri yang sempit ini. and then?

being 19's as odd as being 11

from: picturebookillustration.blogspot.com

well, it's my birthday, but not my birth date.
just my-birth's-day :D
wednesday, that is.

am 19 now, but sometimes, I feel like an 11.

why I said same?
a. both are the prime numbers.
b. both are the transition ages.
c. both are the odd numbers *it'll make everyone in that ages are odds, I guess* :D
d. a,b,c are true.

if you pick;
a. yap. that's true. just see them. 11-13-17-19 *even the pupils know that* LOL
b. yap. because when (1) I was 11, you could say I was a kid/child, but some says, I've already tween/adolescents. and (2) now I'm 19, you could say I'm in my late adolescents age, or in my young adults age :D
c. yap. odds! LOL as I told u above, when you were in 11, you're in the adolescents' transition. it makes you seems like a-girl-from-outer-space. you don't know how to enter your 'periodstarts' age, and something called puberty. and when you are in 19, you're in adolescents-to-young-adults' transition. and it makes you seems like a-woman-wannabe-from-very-outer-space. you have to leave all the girl's thing that you love, and starts to think what's woman thinks, and do what's woman does.
d. yeah, a, b, c are true :)

that's all the reason why I said that being 19 is as odd as being 11 :D

what do you think? ;)

and then?

Half in Love, Red.

I have read a book Half In Love, written by Maile Meloy which has a good story about Red that I loved. A soldier named Red meet a girl named Irene. Red likes her, but seems Irene doesn't reply his compliment.

Overcome, he caught the girl's hand in his, but it was so lifeless and passive it made him angry. He crushed it in his grip, sliding the bones and sinews inward toward the palm, the slender fingers crossing one over the other. "Don't," the girl said. She pulled her hand from his but kept walking by his side, eyes straight ahead.
"You're like death," Red said. "There's no life in you. What's the point of being beautiful?" She stopped, and looked ready to answer, but shook her head and began to walk again. He caught her then, and kissed her hard. Her hair smelled like lilacs but her skin smelled like nothing; there was no close body scent to distinguish her from the cold night air.

then Irene offers sex to him but he rejects her. LOL *that's one of the part which I like* :D

She said, without looking at him, "You're passionate, I guess."

"You can stay with me if you like," she said.

"You mean I can share your bed?" he said.
"Yes," she said. "If you like."

"Well, I don't," he said finally. "I don't like."

*does he really not want it?*
I guess not.
Like Freud told us, what's on a man's mind is sex. sex. sex. LOL

then?
yep. like I guessed before, they get laid.
LOL

"I'm going to France in the morning," he said, after a while. It suprised him to think she didn't already know.
She looked over at him. She was close enough to kiss if he sat up a little, but he didn't want that. he just wanted her lying there. Her eyes were solemn.
"It's going to be worse than you know," she said.
Red looked back up at the sky. A mist had drifted in, obscuring the stars, which had moved some distance along their course, and soon the waiting would be over. After a while the girl moved her hand from behind her head and took Red's in hers, and they lay on the chill stone like an old couple in an old bed, fingers intertwined, until the sky began lo lighten, and it was time for Red to go.

LOL

even it's in the fantasy life, we could still approve the Freud's theory that is What's on a Man's Mind is Sex.

do you agree, guys? ;) and then?

satellite heart

yep. like anya marina's song.
but in my verse :D

i feel lost.
maybe.
but no assurance.

call me selfish.
call me lunatic.
yes, you could.
it doesn't matter.
it's okee.

why lost?

don't ask me.
'cuz i don't have the answer.
as i said before.
no assurance.

what am i talking about?

well,
maybe everything.
maybe anything.
it could be about sun.
or it could be about darkness.

hahaha and then?

Crisis

july - august - september
that months would be the holy-months.
why holy?
holiday[s]?
well, maybe holey[s] too.

people pay to be paid,
people paid to pay.
maybe that could be normal, but unfortunately it becomes abnormal,
when people do hard for this, do hard for that,
and what people get is incommensurate to they did.
it's ironic, I think.
really makes us terribly concerned.

why?
incomes not balance with outcomes?!.
yeah, you're right.
outcomes are bigger now.
holy-shit! shit! shit!

...

do you feel it too?
do you curious about it too?

I feel it.

it named CRISIS.
what kind of crisis?
well, it could be anything.
crisis of economy, crisis of energy, crisis of morality, even crisis of ideas.
what do you think?

...

so,
what can we do?
what can we do to make it back normal?
crying?
life is too short to be a crybaby.
trying?
I even trying everything to do this, to do that
[in order that] I can get this, can get that.
[but] maybe it still nothing.
hoping? wishing?
I don't like hoping.
[but] I always wishing something good.
[and] it always happened, nevertheless it comes late.
like a green day's song, I wish someone to wake me up when september ends. LOL

it seems like everything in disorder.

whoaaaaa!

this is an unexpected condition in an expected situation.

let's making ourselves sure that the storm will passed soon.
amin.

and then?

homesick

I lose some sales
and my boss won't be happy
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I found

every day there's a boy in the mirror
asking me
what are you doing here
finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges
I believed as SOON as I hit land
all the other
options held before me
WILL wither in the light of my plan

so I lose some sales
and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

homesick
cause I no longer know
what home is

-Kings of Convenience - Homesick

huhuhu
I love this song.
when I heard it, I always wondering where I should be.
yeah.
Where am I?
Where should I be?

I always feel empty.
null.

really homesick.
missed something called home.
but I don't know where actually my H-O-M-E is.

sick.
home.
sick.
homesick.

someone out there, could you find me a way to home? and then?

Having Foreplay with Hot Chocolate

di pojok pintu samping,
aku senang duduk disitu.
di dekat pilar persegi panjang depan jendela.

senang rasanya melihat para penghuni jalanan meneriakkan klaksonnya.
senang rasanya mendengar lagu tak jelas yang mengiang di kupingku.
benci sih, melihat para penghuni jalanan itu selalu bergantian berteriak.
benci sih, mendengar suara tak jelas yang selalu bergantian mendengung.

ahh..
nikmat rasanya..
menikmati cokelatnya hidup.
menikmati cokelatnya saringan nikotin.
menikmati cokelatnya cairan di gelas itu.

hot chocolate
aku suka hot chocolate
selalu suka dia
karena dia selalu tahu caranya membuat jalanan lurus di otak saya menjadi keriting.
kenapa harus keriting?
ya, karena otak keriting itulah otak normal.

yeah,
otak keriting saya bisa menjadikan saya normal dalam berpikir tentang tugas-tugas itu.

5.19pm - @pintu samping

and then?

Fresh Unfresh

hmmm..

i have the fresh health but i don't have the fresh body
i have the fresh mind but i don't have the fresh brain

isn't it moronic?

you have the fresh words but you don't have the fresh mouth
you have the fresh hearing but you don't have the fresh ears

isn't it moronic?

she has the fresh look but she doesn't have the fresh face
she has the fresh cookery but she doesn't have the fresh hands

isn't it moronic?

he has the fresh power but he doesn't have the fresh muscles
he has the fresh precise but he doesn't have the fresh eyes

isn't it moronic?

we don't have the fresh air in this superannuated-world
we don't have the fresh idea in this one's-own-world

huft..

i think it's really-super-moronic things that i ever 'speak'

08.09am,in.this.fucking-world and then?

seekor manusia yang mencoba menikmati hidup sedang mengeluh

huh..

walaupun sudah malam, tetap saja terasa padat..
entah karena tugas *laporan* yang menumpuk minta dikerjakan, atau karena mata belum terpuaskan ditutup?

huh..

kepala ini penat..
ingin pecah rasanya..
tapi kalau pecah, nanti pakai apa?

huh..

sekarang atau tunda, yang pastinya prioritas tetap pada tujuan hidup.
tujuan hidup saat ini adalah menikmati hidup.

menikmati hidup?
iya, menikmati hidup.
dengan cara membiarkan segala sesuatu terjadi dengan semestinya tanpa ada rasa menyesal.

hmmm..
yah.. berarti saya masih kurang bisa menikmati hidup dong..
yah.. sepertinya..

hmmm..
namanya juga manusia.
kamu manusia bukan? and then?

hmmmm

aku sayang kamu
titik


hmmm...
rasa yang gila.
gila. aneh.
bisa aja.
karena aku sayang kamu
itu aja.
ga tau kenapa.
jangan tanya kenapa.
aku merasa.
bukan yang membuat.

aku sayang kamu
titik

@grusycafe - withim - 0800pm

and then?

hilang sepi punah

hmmm...

ini apa lagi, entahlah...

saya juga ga tau..

*aneh*

aneh???

biarkan saja..


mau mengingat saja..
kemarin dulu lebaran,
tapi tak seperti lebaran biasanya..

sepi!

iyaa...
sepi...
entah kemana semua orangorang..
hanya suara yang menemaniku..
suara siapa?
tanya ayam!

kok bisaa??

iyaaaa....
bisa saja...

orangorang sok sibukkk...
orangorang sok warawiri...

entah apa mereka ingat mereka..
sesama makhlukNya..
ataukah,
daging yang bergenerasi seperti mereka itu disimpan saja dalam lemari-listrik-dingin mereka??

huh!

saya tauuuu...
itu bukan urusan saya...
memang...
itu urusan mereka...
saya sebagai mereka hanya mengingatkan kepada mereka.. :)

lusanyalebaran - sekedarunutwaktu mode: ON

and then?

kacaukanku, kaca.

entahlah...

kamu jujur di depan.
tapi racun di belakang.

kamu memberitahuku semua yang aku tak lihat.
iya..

aku selalu jalan ke depan..
jarang ngeliat ke belakang..
*males deh, sejarah*

kamu ngasih tau ke aku, semuasemuashithings di belakangku.
makasih.

tapi tau gak?

hari ini, sumpah-demi-sumpah! aku BENCI ma kamu!!!
gimana gak!
kamu selalu nyoba nusuk aku pake sudutmu yang paling tajam!!
OMG!

arrgh!!
sakit tau!
anjing!

hari ini, sumpah-demi-sumpah! aku BENCI ma kamu!!! *lagi*
gimana gak!
kamu (dulu) janji. apapun yang aku simpan di kamu, kamu jaga.
nyatanya apaaa???
kenapa mama tirinya snow white bisa tau??

kurap!!
iblis!
arrgh!!!!!

hari ini, sumpah-demi-sumpah! aku superBENCI ma kamu!!! *lagi dan lagii*
kenapa????!!!
nanya lagi!

kamu PECAH!!!!

itu salah kamu!
itu salah kamu!!
itu salah kamu....!!!!!!!!

jangan bawa-bawa aku!!!
kamu sudah pecah berserakan!
menyisakan sampah!

hahaha
gantian, ya?
kali ini, aku yang nyimpan sampah kamu!
tapi sayang, sampah kamu abadi..
aku males nyimpan.
gimana kalo aku buang juga?
sekalian.

soalnya kamu RACUN!!
gimana gak..
kamu itu ada raksanya!
gak bisa nyatu ma darahku!
ntar aku jadi mutan, lagi!
gak mau!
aku gak mau jadi mutan!
cukup!
aku tak akan jadi mutan lagi!
ini sudah bentuk terbaik dari transformasiku!
jangan kacaukan aku, plisss!!!

kalo kamu mau kacaukan aku,
tunggu aba-aba dariku.

supaya kamu puas.
aku pun puas.

hmm...
tunggu.
1
dua
three!

*eeeerrrrrooooooorrrrrrrrrr*

puas?
gak?
gak masalah..
kamu emang gak pernah ada.
jadi ini hanya terjadi di otakotorku.

hahaha
ngarep ini terjadi?
sejauh mana pikiran kamu bisa main?
itu yang terjadi..
jadi?
jadi.. silahkan saja membayangkannya!

otakotoracunih mode: ON

and then?

hujan?

iya..
sekarang lagi hujan..
ntah nanti..

hujan hilang diharap..
hujan datang hina..

heran.
heran.
heran.

yahh..

dasar manusia.
tak pernah puas, tak pernah memuaskan, tak pernah dipuaskan.
dasar manusia.

apaaa??!

kamu tersinggung??!

hahaha

jadi kenapa?

dasar!

baru saja aku bilang manusia, kalian sudah merasa.

ngaca dong!

apakah manusia namanya, korupsi dimana-mana?!
apakah manusia namanya, membantah orang tua?!
apakah manusia namanya, membuat tanah menangis?!
apakah manusia namanya, tak pernah ikhlas dan syukur?!

hujan lebih baik darimu, manusia!
dia selalu ikhlas mengerjakan tugasnya, walau dia enggan melihat tanah kalian sudah rapuh dan becek!
hujan lebih baik darimu, manusia!
dia selalu bersyukur melihat kalian saling bertanya kabar setelah ia mengerjakan tugasnya dengan ikhlas!

masih tidak tahu diri?

terserahmu sajalah..

aku juga manusia.

sudut mati, hari ini hujan mode: ON

and then?